Are you in a relationship or situationship?

Have you heard of the term "situationship"? Do you know if you're in a relationship or situationship? Family therapist Joe Rich helps us tell the difference between the two.

What is a situationship?

Generally, we think of a situationship as a romantic or sexual relationship that is not considered to be formal or established in more traditional terms. Physical intimacy is a part of the interaction. Let's call it more than a casual encounter and less than a relationship. There may still be feelings and connectedness for either or both persons in a situationship, but they may never progress or move to a meaningful level, and if they do for only one partner—there may be trouble.  At its best, both partners are happy with the arrangement and finding fulfillment in a way that meets their current needs. If needs change, there may be need for honesty or time to separate. 

The difference between relationships and situationships

Although we may include "friends with benefits" or "roommates who sleep together" and other casual encounters, the situationship has a small sprinkling of monogamy, or a minor amount of commitment that adds to its attraction. We might say it looks like a relationship but doesn't behave as one. 

What it doesn't have is: 

• a feeling of moving forward or progressing in the relationship
• integration of the lives of each partner (meet family, going on vacaitions, etc) 
• future talk
• planning
• commitment as a process
• depth
• discussions about the relationship.

For some this is a relief in that it meets their own needs for a closer relationship with "no strings" For others, feelings may grow. If this happens for both, they may describe their lives together as a situationship that unfolded into a relationship. In that case, the things discussed above, would likely unfold. 

What to do if a situationship isn't working

But what if it's not working for one of the partners? They may discover that they want a relationship and are now settling for (rather than choosing) a situationship. For those who experience this, expectations often start to become unmet and disappointments settle in. The notion of realistic situationship expectations—we like each other, enjoy each other’s company, share some physical closeness or intimacy and run our separate lives—become depressing and unfulfilling.  At this point, we may see a decrease in self-esteem (what am I doing? why am I doing this?) and feelings of loneliness settling in with some confusion (I am with someone and yet I feel lonely).  

The craving for formality may settle in, yet the relationship never moves forward.  The not moving forward that seems comfortable in the situationship is the crux of the matter in relationship terms. Situationships that don't evolve and move forward but are comfortable for both partners work. Relationships that don't evolve and move forward don't. At this point we ask:

• what do you now want?
• what do you have?
• can one easily transition into the other?
• what does your partner want at this point?

Once you’ve answered these questions, then it’s time to be honest and time to find out.  And remember no discussion, is the discussion.